I have been asked to write briefly about my experience of ordination, having been ordained at Rochester Cathedral on September 6th 2008 by the Bishop of Rochester, Michael Nazir-Ali.
Nothing can prepare you for ordination, for how you will feel, what it will be like, and what it will mean. For me, my own journey to ordination, from first calling to the moment itself, has taken many years. The last four years have been particularly intensive; especially the last two where I trained full time at Ripon College Cuddesdon. Despite all the academic training, prayer, time for reflection and other ‘ordination related’ activities, my own ordination was nothing like I expected it to be.
You may ask why I felt unprepared, or why it was not how I expected it to be. I think I would answer that, by asking the question that I myself wrestled with in those last few days before ordination, which was; ‘Is anyone ever ready for ordination?’ The conclusion I came to before being ordained, and still hold after is ‘no’, no one is ever ready.
Why is this the case? I think perhaps because although ordination is a very public service, and is about being commissioned to life as a servant to the people of God, it is also a very personal experience, and therefore unique to the individual. This ‘uniqueness to the individual’ could be seen very clearly on my own ordination retreat. For three days before the ordination, my fellow ordinands and I spent our time in reflection at the Sisters of St Andrew Retreat Centre in Edenbridge. The centre itself is in the middle of the Kent countryside, and the views are spectacular, leading one to marvel at the beauty of God’s creation. In many senses, despite the retreat being led by an experienced priest, we were left to do what we felt called to do. Some went for long walks, talking to God as they went, some sat quietly and read books, some wrote journals about how they were feeling. I spent most of my time sat in silence in the chapel, in a time of confession, reflection and listening for God in the silence. I was grateful for having been given a small wooden holding cross to pray with by a member of our congregation before I had started the retreat. There were many times when the words would not come, when simply clutching that cross tightly was better than a thousand words.
My point here is that everyone met God on the retreat in the way that was right for them. God met them where they were and because we were not made to conform to a certain pattern or way of ‘being on retreat’, God’s Spirit had the opportunity to flow freely. This meeting with God leads of course onto the ordination itself. I suspect all who have been ordained would confess to having no idea about how they would feel at the moment itself before they were ordained, and I would also guess that if you asked 10 different clergy to describe their experience, you would get 10 very different answers.
So what of my ordination? For me, the moment I met and heard God speak to me with a clarity I have rarely experienced in my Christian life, came as I was kneeling with the other ordinands in the cathedral, a minute before I was due to stand and then kneel before Bishop Michael. As the congregation chanted ‘Bless the Lord my soul’ in response to prayers led by Rev Michael Adams, I looked up to the ceiling and if I could put how I felt into words would say that God said to me something like ‘Despite all the difficulties, and times of disbelief, I have fulfilled my promise to you, and called and brought you to this day. As you go forward in My Name, realise that with the blessing of ministry comes great responsibility, but you walk with My Strength and not your own’. To add to this, as I was about to get up, a police car responding to a call went past the cathedral on blue lights. As its siren echoed round the cathedral, it was, as a former police officer, a poignant reminder of where God had brought me from. You see, as the moment of ordination came, I was reminded of an important truth. Ordination was not about being called reverend, wearing a dog collar, being the leader of and serving the church, a preacher, etc, it was about the promises I was making to God, the vows I had taken to serve him, and as much as He would be faithful to me, about me trying my best to be faithful to Him, and the promises I had made.
So you may ask, what happened to you when the Bishop put his hands on your head and asked for God’s Spirit to come and be upon and fill you, in the manner of passing on the apostolic ministry of the Church by the laying on of hands? Well, for me, yes there was a sense of ‘electricity’ as he prayed for me, but actually there was a bigger sense of peace, and a remarkable sense of freedom. I felt released, released into a new stage in my Christian journey, and a recognition that to serve the Church in this way was a privilege given by God, a gift of grace I was not worthy to receive but that God had freely given.
I have said many times before that ordination has not made me a super Christian, nor will it prevent me from making mistakes as we all do. Neither has it made me super spiritual, or a source of great wisdom. Ordination is but one way among many that one can serve God and His Church. There are times though in life where God clearly calls us all to move from one stage in our journey to the next, and for me that was to be ordained. I hope, knowing at the beginning that I will fail at times, to be able to remember and keep the promises I made to God on that special day in September.
Kevin